Life hasn't been really well these days.
But i would hope that i would never be awaken from that lovely dream that i had.
Perhaps it was due to subconscious desire.
And I would never expect it to happen in real life.
Cause, i knew, it was impossible.
You once told me that "Nothing is impossible".
But, perhaps for this, it is really impossible.
It was just my own fairytale land.
Baby is back to his old ways.
Well, one moment i felt that he was with me,
But the next moment, he seems to be gone.
He started blogging.
Well, i bet i won't be mentioned in his blog anyway.
No matter what, i would seem never exist in his life.
Perhaps due to 'me' as his reasons, i discord his social life with GIRLS.
He said that his blog was meant to say about his life, school, etc.
But, not love life.
And there's something to be commented about.
If that was the case, it meant that I wasn't part of his life AT ALL.
And whenever I mentioned about all these,
He would say something.
"Can you stop giving me stress about these?"
That was the stress that he had been brooding over.
It was always the usual phrase.
And the last questions i had on mind were :
- How am I supposed to feel?
- How important I were to him?
- How much do our relationship meant to him?
Expectedly, I guessed his answer would be : "I already said that I won't commit much into relationship."
And he actually throw these words right into my ears : " Girlfriends are temporary, but friends are forever."
So is it wrong for me to feel hurtful?
And somehow i felt that my feelings were not taken into consideration.
Of course, despite all these,
He is fine as a boyfriend.
Just that with these, I felt that the insecurity crept into my life.
This led to emotional stress that i groaned inwardly.
I used to cry by my bedside.
But now, it doesn't seem to be it anymore.
I see it's meaningless.
Why am I feeling so hurt, and yet he doesn't know it?
Even if he knew it, he wouldn't care.
Or rather, my teardrops are all dried.
My heart went numb.
Anyway, you aren't important to him anymore.
You can't expect him to be like the past anymore.
YJ, good things only happen once.
Many told me that, I had treated him too good that he domineers in our relationship.
The reason to treat him good was my motto for having a boyfriend.
"If you're my boyfriend, i believe that i had to give you the best."
And even if he was to be the worst boyfriend,
I would still give him the best i could.
Which girl wouldn't want their boy to be proud of them?
Which girl wouldn't feel hurt when their boy said ugly words to them?
Which girl wouldn't want to feel loved?
And I could hardly feel loved from him.
Sometimes YES, sometimes no.
It seems that everything else in his life was the his utmost concern, but i was never seem to be part of it.
Sometimes i only felt that he needed my help for certain stuffs,
then i was approached.
I would never receive calls that was about my concern.
Like, a word of concern, to keep the relationship going, bonded.
But, i had never receive a call like this.
Or rather, even a text.
To text me, seems to be like a burden to him.
It seems that i forced him.
I hope that his best friend wouldn't influence him.
Well, to be honest, I don't really like his best friend.
I had never dared to mention this to baby.
I did not have the courage to do so.
I felt so hurt, but i mention no more.
Cause, he would just say "If you can't take it, you may leave."
I am not trying to complain about him.
But, it's just that i did not know how to bring up to him.
So, i made use of this entry to convey what I want to tell him, my heart-felt words.
And of course, if he truly loved me, he would know what I am trying to convey.
If not, I guessed i knew the answer long ago.
Sometimes, it comes to a point in life that you really wished that everything comes to an end.
I thought of one of my friends, whenever he's stress,
He would wanna take a leap off a building.
I think, slowly, i began to have such mentality.
I could no longer withstand the academic stress nor emotional stress.
It's just too much pouring all over me.
I am of no importance to anyone out there, esp. you!
So what do I live for everyday?
I see my friends leaving me one by one.
Well, it reminds me of RX and David.
And of course, those who were still living,
they left my life, unknowingly, I got hurt which i thought i would never be.
Friday, July 18
